I don't think anyone embarks on a relationship with the intention of becoming a stepmother. After all, who would voluntarily want to take on a role which is almost invariably linked with the adjective "wicked"?
Stepmothers in general have had a bad press, from Snow White to Cinderella and in many other works of fiction besides. Yet in these days of complex blended families, more and more of us end up as stepmothers and have to deal with the everyday challenges not only of our own relationship and our own children but also of those of our stepchildren (and, later on, if we last the course, the step children's relationships, step grandchildren, step half grandchildren, unrelated children who just happen to have strayed into the mix and so on, virtually ad infinitum.)
To add volatility to an already potent mix of relationship issues, ex-wives, ex-in-laws and an assortment of friends will be part of your new domestic arrangements right from the very start, all ready to put in their two penn'orth of advice and opinion. It may be literally years before you and your new partner get more than snatched hours of quality "us" time. No wonder such a high percentage of second (and subsequent) relationships fail!
Taking the Long View
Always supposing you last the course however, there are rewards and benefits inherent in the tangled web of family you find yourself embroiled in.
Just as a stepmother can (in the early years) end up as a dumping ground for a whole heap of negative emotion, in later years, her slight unrelatedness (and associated objectivity) can make her a safe place for confidences, doubts, uncertainty and assorted confessions.
However difficult the early years may be, the passage of time tends to soften,modify and heal. The witch woman who stole dadddy and upset mummy will become accepted over the years as part of the domestic landscape. Provided she plays her cards right early on, she will find that as time passes, the landscape is much less bleak and threatening than it was when the relationship was new and raw, and the "wicked stepmother" was perceived as The Enemy.
Things Can Change for the Better
The key words when dealing with complex family arrangements involving assorted children (especially) and rafts of new in-laws,friends and general hangers-on are (in no particular order) patience, consistency, even-handedness and respect.
Being loved (or even liked) when you're the new kid on the domestic block is too much to expect, so if you get smiles, civility and an easy ride, count your blessings. There will inevitably be times when you will feel rejected and isolated within your new family, times when you will find yourself asking the question "What on earth am I doing here?"
Children tend to be conservative beings, change averse and fond of routine. What could be more disruptive to their comfort than a whole new family arrangement, possibly with a few extra siblings as well as a new mummy who've all just dropped in out of the sky? Children are also not very good at dissembling, so brashness, tactlessness and downright rudeness will make up a large part of the everyday emotional weather.
As the kids grow older though, they will tend to look for new role models and new scripts. The adolescent growing up time, the transitional years between childhood and adulthood can be a good time for step mothers (and step relatives in general). As children experience their own emotional rites of passage, they will gain the ability to be more tolerant of their parents' emotional eccentricities (which, obviously, will include step parents).
New relationships can be very challenging, and as a stepmother, challenges are probably not what you want when you've met the love of your life and are looking forward to settling into blissful domesticity with your new partner. However, a little selflessness and discretion and an ability not to take emotional storms too personally in the early years can go a very long way towards laying the foundations for a long and happy relationship both with your new partner and with his children.
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